When Vulnerability Feels Like a Trap: The Double Binds of Modern Relationships
At some point, many of us have felt it. That moment where you want to open up, but something in you says, “Don’t. Not here. Not now.”
For high-achieving professionals, especially those juggling demanding careers, family, and inner expectations, this tension can be constant. We strive for balance in health, wealth, relationships, and happiness—but beneath the surface, many of us are carrying invisible burdens.
Recently, I’ve had the same theme come up in multiple conversations with clients and male friends, and it echoes something that Brené Brown powerfully articulated in her book Daring Greatly.
“My wife and daughters would rather see me die on my white horse than fall off it.”
This line was said to Brené by a man after one of her talks. It stopped her in her tracks. The message? Even in families that say they want openness and vulnerability, men often experience a double bind: they’re told to be emotionally available, but when they do, they feel judged, diminished, or like a burden.
As Brené puts it:
“You can’t ever be perceived as weak.”
For women, the shame narrative is just as relentless but shaped differently:
“Do it all. Do it perfectly. And never let them see you sweat.”
These aren’t just pithy quotes—they’re deeply embedded social scripts that shape how men and women show up in their relationships.
The Invisible Chasm Between Partners
When these shame narratives go unnamed, couples get stuck in a loop:
Men withhold vulnerability, fearing it will make them look weak or unworthy of respect.
Women carry the emotional labor of the relationship, feeling overburdened and unseen.
Both feel alone, even when they love each other deeply.
It becomes a cycle of silence, resentment, and disconnection.
So what can couples do?
1. Name the Shame Scripts Together
Brené Brown emphasizes that shame thrives in secrecy. Bringing these narratives into the open is the first step to dismantling them.
For him: “I worry that if I show weakness, you won’t respect me.”
For her: “I feel like I’m failing if I ask for help.”
When partners say the quiet parts out loud, the shame starts to lose its grip.
2. Build Emotional Safety
True vulnerability requires safety. That means being able to share something tender without it being met with criticism, panic, or dismissal.
What helps men feel safe to open up?
Being heard without being “fixed”
Seeing their partner stay emotionally regulated
Being thanked, not interrogated, for sharing
Try this: “Thank you for sharing that. I know that wasn’t easy. I’m here with you.”
3. Share the Emotional Labor
The Gottman Institute and others like Eve Rodsky (Fair Play) emphasize that emotional labor must be acknowledged, tracked, and shared.
Women often feel like they’re managing the entire emotional climate of the household. That isn’t sustainable.
Couples can schedule weekly emotional check-ins (a “State of the Union” meeting, per the Gottman Method) to ensure both partners feel seen, supported, and heard.
4. Recognize Coping Styles
Esther Perel wisely points out:
“People protect their vulnerability in different ways—some shut down, some over-function.”
Understanding how your partner copes under emotional pressure helps depersonalize their behavior and fosters compassion.
5. Ask: “Support or Solutions?”
Before responding to a partner’s disclosure, ask:
“Do you want me to just listen, or are you looking for ideas or help?”
It’s a small question that can prevent a lot of miscommunication.
6. Normalize the Ongoing Work
There is no one-time fix. Vulnerability is a practice, not a checkbox.
Creating an emotionally safe and deeply connected relationship requires ongoing curiosity, humility, and courage.
Final Thoughts
This dynamic—where men feel they must appear invulnerable, and women feel they must do everything perfectly—is not just a relationship problem. It’s a cultural one. But change starts in our homes, our conversations, and our daily interactions.
Because the richest life isn’t about perfection or stoicism.
It’s about showing up, together, as we truly are.
Resources:
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
The State of Affairs by Esther Perel
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Drs. John & Julie Gottman
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky
Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown