The Fourth Horseman: Understanding and Overcoming Stonewalling in Relationships
In relationships, communication breakdowns often begin subtly, but if left unchecked, they can evolve into destructive patterns. According to Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on relationship dynamics, four major behaviors signal a relationship in distress. These are known as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.
Today, we're focusing on the Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling—the silent but powerful force that can disconnect partners, erode trust, and stall resolution.
Whether you're reading this to improve your own relationship or using it as a podcast framework, this guide explores why stonewalling happens, what it looks like, and how to move through it toward reconnection and healing.
What Is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from a conversation or conflict, emotionally shutting down and refusing to engage. Unlike taking a momentary pause to cool off, stonewalling is a chronic pattern of disengagement.
Common behaviors include:
Silent treatment
Avoiding eye contact
Walking away mid-conversation
Flat facial expressions or closed-off body language
Saying "I don't want to talk about this"
At its core, stonewalling is often a response to emotional flooding—when someone feels overwhelmed by conflict and doesn't know how to respond productively.
Why Is Stonewalling So Harmful?
Stonewalling sends a powerful message, whether intended or not: "You don’t matter enough for me to stay engaged." This can lead to feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and resentment in the partner trying to connect.
According to Gottman's research, when stonewalling becomes a habitual pattern, it significantly increases the risk of relationship dissatisfaction and eventual breakup.
Over time, the partner who is shut out may:
Feel rejected or invisible
Stop trying to communicate altogether
Build resentment and emotional distance
This often creates a feedback loop where one partner withdraws more, and the other pursues more aggressively—further escalating conflict and disconnection.
What's Really Going On?
Although stonewalling can feel like a form of passive-aggressive behavior, it's often rooted in physiological distress. Gottman found that during stonewalling episodes, the "stonewaller" is typically experiencing an elevated heart rate (over 100 bpm), muscle tension, and stress hormone spikes.
In other words: the person may look calm on the outside, but they're in fight-or-flight mode internally. Instead of lashing out (fight), they shut down (flight).
Understanding this helps shift the narrative from blame to compassion and opens the door to repair.
Who Tends to Stonewall More—and Why?
According to Gottman's decades of research, men tend to stonewall more often than women in heterosexual couples. This is not a flaw or failure—it's often linked to social conditioning and physiological responses:
Physiological flooding: Men, on average, are more likely to become physically overwhelmed during conflict, triggering withdrawal.
Socialization: Many men are raised with messages to suppress emotional expression and "keep calm," making withdrawal seem like the safest option.
Conflict avoidance: Stonewalling may feel like a strategy to prevent escalation, but it unintentionally creates emotional distance.
What About the Other Partner—the Pursuer?
When one person stonewalls, the other often becomes the pursuer—increasing pressure to resolve the issue, raise their voice, or demand engagement. This behavior is sometimes referred to as "protest behavior."
The Pursuer May:
Ask repeated questions
Demand emotional engagement
Escalate tone or volume
Express panic, fear, or frustration about being ignored
While the intention is usually to reconnect, the approach can inadvertently intensify the withdrawer’s emotional flooding, making them shut down even more.
If You’re the Pursuer:
Pause and breathe: Recognize the cycle and interrupt the urge to chase.
Name the moment: Calmly say, "I can see you need a break, and I want us to return to this when we both feel ready."
Build emotional safety: Practice soft start-ups and curiosity instead of urgency.
Avoid interpreting stonewalling as rejection: Often, it’s about overwhelm, not a lack of care.
How to Break the Cycle: Antidotes to Stonewalling
1. Self-Soothing Breaks
Instead of emotionally checking out, communicate that you need a break and return to the conversation later.
How to do it:
Say: "I'm feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?"
Use the break to engage in calming activities: deep breathing, walking, listening to music.
Re-engage when you're physiologically calm and emotionally available.
2. Name the Pattern
Recognize when stonewalling is happening and gently call it out without blame.
Example: "I notice when we argue, we sometimes stop talking. I want us to feel safe enough to stay engaged."
3. Create a Ritual for Reconnection
Some couples build in a ritual after difficult conversations to signal re-engagement: a hug, holding hands, or expressing appreciation.
4. Practice Emotional Awareness
Stonewalling often stems from not knowing how to name or express big emotions. Working on emotional vocabulary and regulation makes it easier to stay present.
Example Skit: The Pursuer-Stonewaller Dynamic
Scene: A couple at home, late evening. A disagreement has been simmering all day.
Partner A (the pursuer):
(frustrated tone)
“We need to talk about what happened earlier. You just walked away and left me to deal with everything. Why do you always do this?”
Partner B (the stonewaller):
(quietly, avoiding eye contact)
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
Partner A:
(raising voice slightly)
“No, you never want to talk about it. You just shut down. I’m always the one trying to fix things!”
Partner B:
(still calm on the outside, but withdrawing)
“Look, just drop it. I’m done.”
Partner A:
(desperate)
“Done? That’s it? You don’t care?”
Same Scenario: Healthy Repair Attempt
Partner A:
(gently)
“Hey, I know things got tense earlier, and I really want to talk about it. But first—how are you feeling right now?”
Partner B:
(honest, calm)
“To be honest, I’m overwhelmed. My heart’s racing. I just need 20 minutes to clear my head.”
Partner A:
“Okay. I get that. Let’s take a break and come back to this after we’ve both calmed down.”
Personal Reflection or Podcast Prompt:
Have you ever shut down during a conflict without realizing it?
How does your body react when you feel overwhelmed?
What does your partner need most when you withdraw?
Can you create a shared plan for what to do when either of you feels flooded?
If you tend to pursue, how can you better create space for safety and calm?
Final Thoughts
Stonewalling may seem like an escape from conflict, but in reality, it's a roadblock to intimacy, resolution, and growth. By learning to recognize and respond to the early signs of overwhelm, couples can shift from withdrawal to reconnection.
Healing this pattern takes practice, empathy, and self-awareness—but it's absolutely possible.
Whether you're working through this with your partner or guiding others through it in coaching or podcast conversations, remember: the goal isn't to eliminate conflict. It's to stay engaged through it, so connection becomes stronger on the other side.
Coming Up: In future blog posts, we’ll explore rituals for reconnection, emotional regulation techniques, and how to rebuild trust after long-standing conflict patterns.
Stay curious, stay connected.